| Image via Tippingoz.wordpress.com |
There are two absurd practices in our society which I am guilty of perpetuating, but would gladly abandon, if not for the assured backlash. The first is the modern wedding, which is currently designed to provide misery to 95 percent of its participants. Granted, I wasn’t willing to fall on my sword on this one during my own wedding (I’m not that stupid) — and I’m pretty sure if I ever have daughters they’ll get anything they want out of me — but if ever there’s a brave soul out there that dares to upend this apple cart, count on me for a few heave-ho’s. However, the second practice is one I’m prepared to be a little more proactive about: tipping. Before you call me a cheapskate — which, yes, I am — let me state first of all that I always tip between 15 and 20 percent. But I’m not happy about it. What is a tip, anyway, but a voluntary bonus for services rendered beyond expectations? Disregarding mandatory gratuity for large groups, banquets, etc., I don’t understand how you can argue for any other definition — if it’s not voluntary, nor above average, that’s called a bill, right? But the tip has morphed into the second bill. Where will it stop? Someday the expected gratuity will approach 100 percent, and our children’s children’s children will ask, “Daddy, how come you pay for everything twice?” So why do I tip? Well, like most folks, I don’t want to gyp the lanky teenager that cheerily refilled my Coke seventeen times in 30 minutes. That’s what people always say: “You’ve gotta tip, because these poor kids hardly earn anything in wages.” But when did their wages become our problem?! Kudos to the brilliant restaurant industry for bamboozling us into picking up not only the tab but the payroll as well. The jig would be up if we all just stopped tipping, because then kids would stop taking waitstaff jobs, and restaurant owners would be forced to, you know, compensate their employees. Then the owners would raise the price of the food, and leave us to decide whether our server earned a little something extra by hastily scribbling down our order wrong then leaving the country. But us cheapskates will never achieve the critical mass for such an upheaval. If anything, society will just keep upping the ante. It’s only a matter of time before more industries try to get in on this scam. I’m seeing more and more of these tips jars, always with the pathetic, handwritten appeal to my guilt-laden wallet, parked next to cash registers whose operators hardly demonstrate proof of life, much less a reason to leave them with extra money. What’s next? Tips for teachers? DMV clerks? Doctors? “Ah, Mr. Howe, welcome back. Doctor Lloyd wanted me to tell you that he truly appreciated the $1.37 tip you left him after your last check-up, and he’s very much looking forward to performing your colonoscopy today. He’ll be with you in a moment.” |
