| Image via M@ |
I like to think I stay abreast of current events as much as the next guy. When pressed for an explanation of, say Bernie Madoff’s Ponzi scheme, however, I realize I’ve pretty much only stayed abreast of cat videos and ESPN.com. All other nation and world news items elude my comprehension just as quick as I can click that “Mark as read” button on my Google Reader. I would that I could click that button with an honest heart and an enriched mind, but alas, it’s a lie every time. So let’s give ourselves a little test — pasted below are the top headlines from this morning’s New York Times home page, each accompanied by my own off-the-cuff, un-Wikipedia’d explanations. Greek Leaders Reach Deal to Form New Government Following the inflation of the gyro (a form of currency recently adopted in the multinational Gyrozone) Greek leaders were forced to cut costs by introducing Augusterity measures, which reduced the price of any regular foot-long sub sandwich to $5 (1.14 gyros) for the entire month of August. Heated talks continue regarding the promotion’s extension through January 2012. On the Ropes with Herman Cain Don’t be thrown by the “ropes” metaphor — Mr. Cain is not a boxer; he’s actually a spaceman who arrived to planet Earth via UFO in May of this year (this is why you’d never heard of him before then). He brings from his home planet a mysterious code sequence: 9-9-9, the secrets and powers of which he promises to reveal in return for monarchical control of the world in 2012. Berlusconi Denies Resignation Reports The Italian Minister of Magic, Arrivederci Berlusconi, is currently embroiled in a roiling embroglio at its boiling point, the particulars of which are unknown (to me), but the frequent use of words like “embroiled” to describe the situation indicate this story’s gotta be juicy, right? I’d go on, but I’m already blushing. There now, I guess I knew more about current events than I thought, didn’t I? Maybe I just got lucky. All the same, I’d still like to be able to flesh out these narratives with a few more *air-quote* “facts” that snooty *air-quote* “informed” people seem to care so much about. So I’m giving everybody homework — I’m speaking to you, every single world citizen with access to his or her parents’ recycle bin. Every Monday morning you’re all in charge of bringing in a clipped news article and presenting a five-minute summary of its contents to the class/office/coffee shop/Gold’s Gym. Everybody will know if you get up to the front and haven’t really read your article, so maybe write some notes on an index card. And remember — articles including the words “Kardashian,” “Lohan” or “Fiduciary” will not be accepted. |
