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Not too long ago my wife and I received a bag of pale brown goop that supposedly yields its owners an endless supply of both sustenance and fellowship — a Ziploc cornucopia, as it were. It was called Amish Friendship Bread, and we were told that our dough could multiply indefinitely and thus be divided, baked and shared without ever diminishing the original batch. Its name certainly implied that the giver of this baggie intended to be our friend. How could anything nefarious come out of free bread and new friends? But that's the same kind of thinking that duped the unwitting Trojans when they saw the Greeks ambling up their driveway with that adorable giant rocking horse. We were fortunate to not have any Greek soldiers leaping out of the dough to ravage our kitchen, but this so-called “gift” did most effectively lay siege to our free time. Just take a look at the instructions that came with it: Amish Friendship Bread The recipe for this starter dough is a secret known only to the Amish/half the Internet, so always keep at least one bag for yourself. Once word gets out that you possess this miracle dough, your friends will beat down your door for it and will absolutely never avoid you at church or pretend they’re not home when they see you coming. Remember! Do not use a metal spoon or bowl for mixing the dough Do not refrigerate the dough Do not argue or speak in harsh tones in front of the dough Do not be seen with other breads or pastries in front of the dough The Recipe Day 1: Do nothing. Day 2: Mash the bag. Day 3: Massage the bag. Day 4: Rub the bag. (If air and/or bubbles appear in the bag, open the top, squish the bag flat, and drive the dough to Aspen.) Day 5: Indian rub the bag. Day 6: Add 1 cup flour, sugar and milk to the bag; read aloud to your dough the Declaration of Independence, once in English and once in Finnish; punch the bag; Day 7: Caress the bag; Day 8: Tickle the bag; recite seven ghost stories to the bag, but do not, under any circumstances, engage the bag in a pillow fight. Day 9: Scratch the bag near the top, and a little to the left … a little more to the left … now up a little … perfect, right there. Day 10: Pour bag’s contents into the bleached shell of a Galapagos giant tortoise; add one and a half cups flour, sugar, milk and giraffe tears; measure out four cups of dough and divide equally among four Ziploc bags; keep one for yourself and deposit three in your trashcan because everybody you know already has Amish starter. Bake remaining dough. Baking Instructions 1. Preheat oven to 325 F 2. Add the following to your dough: 3 eggs, 1 cup oil, 1/2 teaspoon vanilla, 4 boxes baking soda, 1 can Rotel diced tomatoes, 2 tablespoons potting soil, 1 teaspoon A+D ointment, 3 lemon Jolly Ranchers and one heaping spoonful of Amish friendship. Do not add electricity or automobiles. 3. Pour dough into bread pan and bake for 30 seconds; once cooled, drizzle with Nesquik strawberry syrup and sprinkle with fresh dandruff. 4. Wrap loaf in decorative cheesecloth; visit the home of the acquaintance from whom you received starter dough; discreetly place loaf in washing machine. Enjoy. |
