M@: The one-bedroom mansion

The one-bedroom mansion
(Published in the Springville Independent News)

On the subject of serendipity, the French scientist Louis Pasteur noted that “chance favors only the prepared mind.” (Pasteur, as we all know, had the accidental breakthrough we now refer to as pasteurization whilst researching the effects of Velcro on penicillin-laced sticky notes.)

With that in mind, I decided I’d better spend some time on Zillow.com browsing $3 million estates, because the more I know about sprawling villas and vineyards, the more likely I’ll have occasion to buy one, right?

My chief takeaway of this research was that New York City is an absurdly discouraging place to spend 3 million clams. So much buck for so little bang! I have to imagine buying a home in the Big Apple probably brings the same consumer satisfaction I get when paying for tires, or airline baggage fees.

Let’s compare a few listings:

In Austin, Texas, $3.25 million will get you a 10,306-square-foot mansion on an acre of land. From the description, it seems as though this house is the result of a worldwide scavenger hunt for the rarest of materials — imported marble counters, pure ivory garbage disposal, gryffin-feather curtains, that sort of thing. It’s got seven bedrooms, eight bathrooms, an English garden (for your favourite tomahtoes) a pool/spa and an 11-car garage with an attached one-bedroom apartment. Oh, and a 50-foot boat slip, obviously, because where else would you park the 50-foot boat?

On the other hand, in the Upper East Side of Manhattan that kind of scratch will get you 1,665 square feet of condo space with a “gracious layout.” But unless “gracious” is a real estate term for “magically feels 10 times bigger than it really is,” this pretty little pad doesn’t have much in the way of elbow room. As for the lot, it comes with 843 acres of open space, but you have to share it with 25 million strangers (Central Park). Also, you’re going to have to sell your 11 cars, 50-foot boat and most of your family members, but don’t worry — there’s a 24-hour doorman and a Bosch microwave. And lest you worry that you’re only getting 1/10 of the house that you’d get in Texas, the listing reassures us otherwise with adjectives like “generously-sized,” “abundant” and “expansive,” proving that square footage is not in fact a finite measurement but a matter of personal opinion.

Sure, there are other reasons to live or not live in New York or Texas, but I still can’t even comprehend how somebody could willingly accept so little house for so much money. You’re telling me these millionaires are working like dogs their whole lives so they can pay $3.25 mil to live in a crowded apartment complex instead of retiring to Whitefish, Montana, where the same investment is good for 10,000 square feet of domicile plopped on a 9.6-acre hilltop with a view of Glacier National Park (greenhouse, library and wine cellar included)?

Riches are wasted on the rich. I have a good mind to earn $3 million and build my own house just to prove my point. (There’s gotta be a climbing wall in the swimming pool, first of all ... )