| Image via Cartoonstock.com |
Have you ever thought about how weirdly conjoined our social lives are to eating? I’m not complaining, because I love food — especially when it’s unhealthy/unnecessary — but when exactly did we all become incapable of socializing without the aid of sustenance? The first dinner conversations were probably invented at cave potlucks eons ago. Nobody likes to sit around a woolly mammoth carcass in awkward silence, so people got chatty. But at some point it evolved from “socializing while eating” to “eating in order to socialize.” Maybe it started when Uncle Bog and Aunt Urg dropped by the cave unannounced and there was no Wheel of Fortune to turn on for them (no wheel yet, remember?). At some point somebody thought, “You know, as long as I have to sit here and listen to that story about cousin Oof and the tar pits for the 50th time, I might as well have a barbecued brontosaurus leg to chew on.” Just like that, a basic function of the human body became a social event. Imagine how differently that could have turned out. Or don’t. (“Hey, Thog is heading into the woods, and he’s got a magazine! Call the gang around!”) But the problem is we’re only meant to consume so much food in a single day. How often have you found yourself inventing meals around 8:30 p.m. just to have something to do with friends and relatives? Thousands, maybe millions of needless desserts have occurred in this country just because the bowling alley was too crowded that night. You could fill the Indian Ocean to the brim with all the breath mints and tortilla chips that have been eaten at parties and dances because people didn’t know what to do with their hands. Just imagine how thin we’d all be if eating was simply a mechanism for putting food in our stomachs when they got empty. What’s worse, eating isn’t all that conducive to social grace, at least for most of us. Why should going on a date, for instance, have to include a meal? Who decided that the best way to make a strong first impression was to converse while chewing and swallowing food? “Hey, we’re really hitting it off, why don’t I try to eat a giant salad without looking like a giraffe?” (Sidenote: I’m pretty sure the waitstaff booby-traps salads when it’s obvious somebody is on a date. “Ooh, he’s dressed nice — let’s pile this thing with a lot of crumbly croutons at the very edge of the bowl, and make sure all the lettuce leaves are no less than nine inches in diameter.”) Anyway, if anybody wants to discuss this point further, I’d welcome the chance. We’ll do lunch or something. |
