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Ever miss the big game and feel totally lost at the water cooler on Monday morning? Here’s a handy template to navigate the chatter. Simply fill in the brackets with a few key names and follow the script. And remember — the loudest opinion is the rightest opinion, so speak up! (Note: Not compatible with pretend sports like NASCAR, World Series of Poker or soccer.) Guy 1: You guys catch that [sporting event] last night? Guy 2: Nah, I had to [uninteresting chore for wife and/or children]. That turned out to be [attempt to divert conversation]... Guy 3: (steps in front of Guy 2) You bet I did! That [play/outcome] was [unique]! Guy 1: Wasn’t it, though? [Player/coach] is something else. He’s a real [sociopath] with [homicide] in his veins. Guy 3: Can’t argue with that. I may [despise][team/city], but even I’ve got to admit he’s a cold-blooded [pejorative term, used to express consistent athletic/strategic excellence]. Guy 2: So, what happened? Guy 1: Oh, you really missed out. [Incomplete summary of sporting event]. Which reminds me — what kind of [officiating judgment] was that? Guy 3: Don’t get me started! [Local radio personalities] were saying this morning that [irrelevant retired athlete] said that call was [displeasing]. You can say that again! [Coach’s name] nearly [impossible bodily reaction]. Guy 1: Well, wouldn’t you? With the [championship/playoff berth/pennant/wild card] on the line, I’d be [committing several felonious acts] right there on the [field/sideline]. Guy 4: Oh, the [sporting event]? Yeah, [obscure statistic read on ESPN.com minutes prior, but declared as though personally discovered]. Guys 1-3: [Expressions of poorly feigned astonishment]. Guy 5: (pokes head in) My [team nickname] did it again, didn’t they, boys? Guy 1: Even a [colloquial expression for sheer coincidence] once in awhile! Just wait’ll my [team nickname] get through with them! They’ll be [metaphor for animalistic submission]. Guy 5: Your [team nickname]? They lost to [comically woebegone city], for crying out loud! Guy 4: (nods) Guy 2: (to Guy 3) So I hear [coworker] gave you the runaround again on those files. Guy 3: Yeah, he... but the real question is, how do you like [team]’s chances in the postseason? Guy 5: (still only poking head in) You kidding me? They’ll do like they always do: [subside] like a [fragile object]. As long as you’re counting on [player] to get you [scoring units], you’re going to be sitting at home in [month in which sport’s playoff system occurs]. Guys 1-4: (all nod) Guy 5: Welp, back to the ol’ [reference to blue-collar occupation]. (slaps wall and exits breakroom) Guy 2: (to Guy 3) What about the [team]? Guy 3: I don’t really follow [sport]. So [coworker] still won’t get me those files... Guys 1,4: [Groan][Lament about workload]. (both shuffle away) |
