| Image via SkyMall |
SkyMall: Everything you never wanted It’s 900 hours of late-night infomercials all crammed into a booklet in your seat pouch (and beside the barf bag, ironically). Perhaps the altitude mimics the 2 a.m.-stupor that usually urges regrettable purchases of Snuggies and ShamWow’s; all I know is I get off that plane totally spellbound by human ingenuity. My favorites: Video Pen: A solid 10 percent of the catalog appeals to my inner spy. The pen is “perfect for collecting solid evidence that requires discretion.” Time to finally catch my chiseled supermodel neighbors plotting against me, as the demo suggests. Wireless Road Mice: The hand model in the photo can’t even fake a non-awkward grip when using this computer mouse shaped like a Chevy Camaro. (Carpal Tunnel Syndrome not included, but inevitable.) Head & Eye Massager: This futuristic helmet resembles the kind of headgear we’ll all have on our Mars colonies in 2030, as per the imagination of a 1950s graphic novelist. But no, it’s just for “sensational tension relief.” (There are similar ones that combat hair loss.) Porch Potty: If there’s one thing you and your dog can both agree on, it’s that you need an indoor AstroTurf mat with a built-in drainage system and pretend fire hydrant. The key phrase here is that the rinse system assures the “cleanest environment possible” — which, given that your dog will be relieving himself on synthetic blades of grass in your living room, is a low threshold of possible cleanliness. The Always Cool Pillow: They say it’s made from a fabric developed for NASA; what they don’t tell you is only one side at a time stays cool (the other side). The Pillow Tie: “Looks and ties like traditional neckwear but inflates with a few puffs, then it’s sweet dreams for the wearer.” I’d by lying if I said I didn’t just test out the posture demonstrated in the diagram. It’s not horrible, but I have to say — if it’s a secret nap you want, as the “inconspicuous valve” suggests, I’m not sure lying face down on an inflated tie will help you achieve that goal. “Jones, I thought you were sleeping during my presentation, but now I see it was just a tie, not a pillow as I suspected.” BBQ Branding Iron: OK, this is awesome, but not worth $59.95 to burn “MR” into my steaks. Then again, what if a BBQ rustler steals my pork chops? How will I prove it? Must... resist... |
